Sometimes, actually it was common in past, I write when I am kinda high. Like drunk. Although I am not drinking anymore still there may be leftover texts because I can't really maintain the content very well. Also not drinking doesn't really mean I am not high sometimes. Also sometimes when thinking about speculative possibilities I try to focus little bit too much to utilize sophisticated subcounciouss brain regions normally responsible for usual paranoia. So I kinda live through the speculative ideas and I may think and write cringy things time to time and may not go over that parts later for very long times or never. Some parts may sound threatening to some people it is definitely not on purpose on my side. That wouldn't be due to anything but biases of reader. Maybe bias against islam, aliens or for some other biases :D. And I ma not your therapist so I say what you want to hear or manipulate you think the way suits us mutually.
At the beginning, when I started this website, almost a year age I was considering myself Muslim. Not really like mainstream but trying to understand and stick to Quran. It didn't last long. I don't really have any mission nor any purpose. Sometimes I may sound like I have. I think I don't like this life or this experience and especially lately I am trying to convince myself soon it will transition to something acceptable. Not that I don't have logical reasons to think that but anyway. I don't really have a religion or anything like that I may have my own beliefs that I don't completely share but I am making this website just because I like intuitively. Definitely I don't have any purpose like covincing anybody to anything. I mean I don't really believe in any religion. Sometimes I may sound like language is important especially in parts I wrote in past. Now I mean I don't know why would anything important. I don't really have any such fantasies. Or they are very faint. I am just a totally selfish person anymore trying to believe whatever comforts me best by making them fit to reality. Although I think the things I share here part of the objective reality or fair speculations based on it.
Throughout creation of this content my head was really spinning because of the pace of change of things in my mind. Although I think it is mostly because of the emptiness and boredoom. Whatever I do, I do because of boredom because there is actually nothing needed to be done. There is actually nothing to achieve. No purpose. Thinking anything is real comes with consequences but thinking everything is not real also very depressing. I try to be in the middle. Despite how desperately everything looks like inherently meaningless at the end there are things that looks like meaningfull without an explanation. I will try to think more positively without necesarily accepting anything is real. It is just hard to fit together. And thinking everything is real and also thinking about historical and things that happen around the world is beyond depressive. Desperate times desperate measures. I have to think it is mostly fake or illusion. It is not like this idea is necessarily illogical anyway. In my mind I have to distribute conciousness very sparsely. This is kinda like my new religion. It may take time fully embrace it. I was practicing it since a while. It is just more convenient to use peganum harmala for instance. But today when I think about taking it I was too disgusted and couldn't do it. And depending on drugs is not a good idea. Although the real issue with me is I feel bad and I think bad not that I think bad and I feel bad :D. I don't really believe what I believe was the issue with me. But it is hard to know.
Many pages I created and updated recently but many pages are also not up to date according to my mind. I am not able to read and update first two parapgrahs in this page. Usually I create new pages. Updating is boring. I also don't like deleting things. Kinda obsessive behaviour.